High
by Dareru
Summary: Drugs and depression don't mix well, as Taichi finds out. Contains yaoi, lime, angst, drugs, and adult language.


HIGH  
  
Disclaimer: Contains yaoi, drug use, and adult language. Characters are owned by Toei/Saban/etc., and are being used for entertainment only.  
  
Author's Notes: Flashback-heavy. So, to make things less confusing, non-flashback scenes are going to be written in present tense, and, as always, scene shifts will be separated by a trio of asterisks.  
  
~~~  
  
I shut the sliding door behind me and step onto the balcony, drawing my shirt about me to ward off the chill from the cold. Above, the night sky is clear and expansive, while below the Odaiba district bustles as the night businesses await the Friday night rush. I draw my hands out of my pockets. In the left, a lighter.  
  
Spark.  
  
A flame.  
  
Then, it dies, leaving behind only a smoldering wad of paper.  
  
It's become a ritual for me. I sit and watch as the end of the joint glows faintly in the dark. Amazing how the contents of this little cigarette brought me to the brink of my sanity...and my life.   
  
For a long time I didn't know if I'd make it to live another day, but frankly, I didn't care; the drugs were just taking over everything in my existence. Not having a reason to live didn't really help matters much, either; the only thing that drove me on was the lure of just one more hit, one more good trip. That's all that mattered.  
  
I set the joint down on the balcony rail, and the memories begin to come back...  
  
***  
  
"Hey, Tai!"  
  
Another typical lunch at the high school. I maneuvered toward a table in the commons, with our little group: Matt, Sora, Mimi, Koushiro, and Jyou. Smiling, I sat down next to Matt and said hello to everyone.   
  
It was kind of weird; Matt and I, the two who were constantly at each others' throats a few years ago, were now very close. I was pretty sure I'd developed a crush on him, too, but I didn't dare say anything about it to anyone. After all, I was pretty certain he didn't feel the same way about me. So for the time being I was content to just hang around him as much as possible and worship him from afar.  
  
But then I saw an opening. With a dance coming up the next week, the talk invariably turned to that, and who was gong with whom. Sora and Mimi had already found dates, and Koushiro was working up the nerve to ask someone. Jyou wasn't going - he already had a date with his usual studying. That left Matt and myself who were still dateless, but resolute on going.  
  
"Sooo..." Mimi asked, "who's the lucky girl for you, Tai? Or are you going stag?"  
  
"Well...I kinda...have someone in mind," I mumbled, "but I don't know how to ask them."   
  
I knew no one would have guessed who it was.   
  
"Aww, come on, Tai, all you have to do is go up and ask them," said Sora. "The worst that could happen is they'd say no, right?"   
  
"Yeah, Tai," said Matt. "Speaking from an objective point of view, I think you're very attractive, and no girl would think twice about going to some dance with you if you asked them."  
  
I was so shocked that I nearly dropped my sandwich...  
  
Otherwise lunch passed without a hitch.   
  
***  
  
Over the next few days, things got very interesting. It turned out that Jyou was the one Koushiro was after. That took just about everyone by surprise; Koushiro wasn't exactly known for his emotional side, and Jyou was basically written off by everyone as too absorbed in his studies to get involved with anyone. But it seemed that the two were perfect for each other. So I began to think about asking Matt to the dance.  
  
Almost every day my brain would be focused on nothing but him. My confidence would be buoyed by everything he said or did that was complementary, and if I did anything that I thought would get him even the tiniest bit aggravated with me I withdrew into a shell for a while, making sure nothing could possibly happen to put distance between us.   
  
Then, finally, I felt that I was ready to tell him how I felt about him, and to ask him out.  
  
***  
  
The bell rang and I quickly hurried out of my Japanese class to see if I could catch Matt at his locker. I knew exactly what I was going to say and do, and I knew that nothing could keep me from him anymore.  
  
I practically raced to intercept him, and, finally, I saw him stuffing his books into his locker as the halls drained of people. He saw me, smiled, and waved.  
  
"Hey, Tai! What's the rush?"  
  
I slowed to a trot and came right up next to him as he shut his locker, almost forcing myself to speak.  
  
"Matt...I...er..." I stumbled, not knowing how to say what I wanted to. He put his hands on his hips and stared at me like I was half-crazy.  
  
"Come on, Tai, spit it out. I haven't got all day, you know," he said, adopting a mock-irritated tone of voice.  
  
I stared down at the floor, shuffling my feet as I did. "I...I like you, Matt. I like you as more than just a friend, and...I was kind of wondering..."  
  
But the look on his face registered pure shock, and I could have sworn a trace of repulsion. I couldn't go on. The words caught in my throat, and I could feel tears beginning to form in my eyes.  
  
"Shit...I'm sorry, Matt...God...forget it!"  
  
I ran off, clutching my books to my chest as I began to sob. The saying goes if looks could kill...but just the look on his face did something far worse: it broke my heart. I sprinted out of school as fast as I could, tears streaming down my cheeks. I mentally kicked myself over and over. I shouldn't have told him that. I should have known he didn't like me. I don't deserve him.  
  
I didn't stop until I reached my room and threw myself on the bed, sobbing crazily.  
  
***  
  
I sit back in the chair, watching the joint smolder as it releases its drugs into the cold night air. A chill runs through me, both from the breeze and from my recollection. I sigh, knowing the next few months of my life were a dark patch that I had only now begun to recover from.   
  
Matt's silent rejection had crushed my spirit; I didn't have any reason to go on living. So I had to turn elsewhere to find something to keep me going.  
  
***  
  
I drifted away from the group. I had to. I made new friends, because I couldn't go back and face Matt again. He called me once or twice, but every time I would just cry silently into the phone while he tried to get a response, and eventually I just hung up.   
  
One girl in particular I grew very close too. Her name was Yura. She was in the school's 'popular' clique, and so their social circle gradually accepted me. But I still longed for Matt, and every time I would see him in the halls, I forced myself to look some other direction or start talking to Yura or my replacement friends to avoid letting him see the pained look I constantly had.   
  
I ended up going to the dance with a bunch of people, including Yura. I danced as best I could but I really wanted Matt there to be with me. I caught a glimpse of him, and it looked like he was a good time, which only made me even more depressed.   
  
Afterwards, our group went to a party, which was basically the atmosphere of a rave cramped into someone's living room. As soon as I walked in the door the smell of pot and alcohol assaulted my nose while the pulsing techno beat did the same to my ears, and immediately someone shoved something akin to a lit cigarette into my face.  
  
"Here, try this, man, it's great!"   
  
I shrugged, placed it to my lips, and inhaled.  
  
Two hours later I was on my third hit and I was pretty sure I didn't want to stop smoking it any time soon.  
  
***  
  
I pick up the lit joint, already halfway gone, and some of the ashes drift away on the breeze. Smoking one of these began my roller coaster ride through hell and back.   
  
***  
  
All I remember about the rest of the night was staggering home in a stoned haze, still feeling like a million bucks. I didn't even bother showering; I just threw off my clothes and crashed on my bed.  
  
I awoke with a massive headache, a dry throat and a stomach that was broadcasting its hunger to my entire body. I struggled out from under the covers and took a cold shower, which helped some, and then dressed and got ready for breakfast. I was a little puzzled when no one else showed up, so I looked around in my parents' and Hikari's room, and finally I saw the note on the refrigerator. They had gone to drop off Hikari at the Takaishi's and then visit my aunt and uncle, who had just had their baby.  
  
But I had got a taste of drugs for the first time, and I liked it. Over the next few weeks, a terrible, overriding lust for them developed. I could barely go a day without smoking another joint, or snorting another line, and if I did I would fall into a state of depression, craving for my daily fix of narcotics.  
  
***  
  
A tear slips down my cheek and falls to the deck below. I lost a lot of what should have been my life. The most painful things are not the memories, but their absence.   
  
***  
  
That night while I was struggling home in a drug-induced haze, Matt cornered me. He poured out his heart and soul to me, and asked me out, and an hour later I had lost my virginity to him.  
  
At least, that's what he told me.   
  
Because I don't remember it.   
  
What should have been the happiest memoriess of my life are just a big, psychedelic void.  
  
That's what kills me.  
  
***  
  
I woke up the next morning, wondering exactly what I was doing and who was sleeping next to me, and then he propped himself up and kissed me full on the lips.  
  
"Morning, beautiful," he said, grinning happily. By the expression on his face and the fact that Matt, the love of my life, was in the same bed as I was, kissing me, I quickly made an educated guess as to what happened, smiled and kissed him back.  
  
But by that time I was so dependant on the drugs that even if I wanted to quit - and I did, badly - I couldn't.  
  
***  
  
Every evening for an hour or so, I'd retreat into my room under the excuse that I was doing homework, slip out through the fire escape, and find Yura and my 'friends,' and smoke, drink, and generally get stoned, and then slip back in to my room and wait for Matt to call me.  
  
I don't think there was one time that Matt called that I was sober, and there were only a handful of times when I went out with him that I was completely there. But the sober times were few and far between, and finally Matt got fed up with them.  
  
***  
  
He'd been digging through my drug paraphernalia that I had kept hidden well enough that my parent's didn't find out...but not well enough that no one could find them.   
  
At the time, there were a pair of speedballs, a pipe, a lighter, and a small collection of joints.   
  
I walked into my room, still feeling the effects of my latest hit wearing off, and I didn't know that what he was doing.  
  
He sat on my bed, a grim, resolute look on his face.  
  
"Hey," I said, dropping my bag on the floor. He looked up.  
  
"We need to talk."  
  
"'S'matter?" I asked, sitting next to him.  
  
He opened his palm, and there were my drugs.  
  
"Shit...Matt...where'd you find those?" I demanded.  
  
"Tai. Admit it. You have a problem."  
  
"Fuck, Matt...my parents would kill me if they found this out!"  
  
"How long have you been doing this crap?"  
  
I glared at him. "None of your god-damn business."  
  
"All right." He frowned. "All right, Tai. Maybe it is none of my business. But you're my boyfriend, and you mean a lot to me. I don't want you doing drugs, Tai. I care about you too much to let you do this to yourself."  
  
"What I do with my body is my own choice," I spat.  
  
Matt sighed and stood up.  
  
"Okay. Well, then, I'm not going to control what you can and can't do. So I'll put it to you this way. Feel free to keep doing drugs. But if you do I don't want to be a part of your life anymore."  
  
***  
  
The sliding door opens behind me, and out steps Matt.   
  
"Hey," he says, putting his arms around me.  
  
"Hey, Matt." I pick up the joint, which is now basically a smoldering butt. It's the last of my remaining supply. For every day I've been clean and sober, I've lit one and let it burn itself out. It's my way of celebrating, I guess.  
  
The past few months have been hard, but I've had someone there to help me, and protect me from myself when I needed it the most.  
  
"This is goodbye, then..."  
  
He smiles and gives me a kiss. "Something I won't ever miss."  
  
It feels almost as if a great burden is being lifted from my shoulders as I ground the butt into the rail of the deck.   
  
"Neither will I."  
  
THE END  



End file.
